It’s been a slow news week. Here’s a sampling of NW Arkansas grammar for your entertainment –

 Sign welcoming patrons into Tony C’s (formerly Fuzzy’s) on Garland in Fayetteville.

 This one is perhaps the saddest. This was hanging in the window of the hair salon at the front of the Pleasant Grove Wal-Mart in Rogers.

 SO close! This greeted us at a gas pump at Harp’s on Wedington in Fayetteville.

 And just for fun… this goose tried to attack me in the P&G parking lot this week. To be fair, he was minding his own business and only got angry when I got close and took his picture.

…that does not belong to me.

A coworker of mine talked tricked me into watching her little boy, John Michael, for 30 minutes this afternoon.  So I had a playdate. And we played tic-tac-toe… on a grid of approximately 20 squares… with Ds and “Balloons” instead of Xs and Os…

When he was thirsty, he had to ”settle for” water because I couldn’t manage to come up with some chocolate milk. And he (unsuccessfully) tried to teach me to dance on one foot.

He just left. I am exhausted. Is that a bad sign?

According to my books – and my weekly email update from BabyCenter.com – today is 28 weeks and officially the 3^rd trimester! The weeks seem to be flying by – it’s crazy. Exciting, yes. But all the 3^rd trimester really means is that I can’t tie my own shoes anymore…

Nah, I’m excited. In fact, I get more and more excited every week. And Mom and Laura and all the Hood (and Teed!) girls are coming to visit in a few weeks – and I can’t wait. We went to our first class at the clinic last night – Infant/Child CPR. It kinda freaked me out. It was a lot harder to deal with than I anticipated.  And then this morning there was a segment on Today about household cleaners, etc. being poison for children – and how bottles of Pine Sol and Downy look like Kool-Aid and orange juice and other things irresistible to children. Ahh! Bump is never going to make it past 2!

We were out with some friends last Friday and discussing the movie Idiocracy – about a sociological experiment gone horribly wrong, resulting in morons reproducing at a faster rate than intelligent people and eventually outnumbering them – and I’ve decided that Jeff and I should be getting paid to have a baby. Between us we have 4 college degrees, 2 steady jobs, 0 prior convictions/bankruptcies/mental health problems – the government should be begging us to produce offspring! I’ve read that educated people are waiting longer and longer in life to have children – if at all – and having fewer of them. And less educated people are more likely to have more children and have them earlier. Those are (probably offensive) generalizations of course – but think of the possibilities!

Nonetheless, it is approximately 84 days until we get to meet Bump.  And, according to my email update, he weighs 2.25 pounds and is 14.8 inches tall – or approximately the size of a “Chinese Cabbage”!

Here are a few you can cross off your list–

10 Worst Baby Names of 2007

What were these parents thinking?

Ptolemy: The only other one we know of is an ancient Greek astronomer, mathematician, and man extraordinaire. Actress Gretchen Mol reached a little too far back in history for this Mediterranean-inspired choice. No one will be able to pronounce it, and what happens when the kid studies his namesake in school?

Ashby: If a name’s going to start with “Ash” and end in a “y”, there’s just no question — the middle’s got to be “le.” If you must mess with Ashley -– or any common name, for that matter –  please pick something that doesn’t sound like a mispronunciation of the real thing. Come kindergarten, Nancy O’Dell’s daughter is going to have a lot of correcting to do.

E-: E…what? You’d think if you had to name your kid after a letter, Jay would be much better than this one, which was selected by parents in Washington. And while we’re (grudgingly) willing to accept the use of apostrophes in baby names, we can’t say the same for the hyphen. At least not when there isn’t any more name to follow it.

Story: Actress Jenna Elfman’s pick. It just doesn’t make sense and certainly won’t start a literary trend. Article, Essay, or Narrative, anyone? Every baby has a tale to tell, just not this way.

Ever: This is an adverb, not even an adjective or a noun, which do okay as names if you’re in a pinch. It’s going to get confusing when actress mom Milla Jovovich scolds the kid, “Ever, don’t ever do that again!”

Heaven Rain: The only good news here: Brooke Burke’s two older daughters are named Neriah and Sierra Sky. Though little Heaven’s got a pretty lofty title to live up to, she’ll fit right in at home.

Alabama: The trend of naming kids after locations obviously appealed to actress Drea De Matteo, but she’s not even from the Southern state. We do hope she’s going to be called Allie for short and turns out to be good at geography.

Princess: Every little girl is a princess to her parents, but it’s a secret nickname. It’s also a good name for a little fluffy white dog. Prince pulls off the male version because he’s a rock star, but this baby, daughter of model Jordan, is set to be spoiled. (Don’t get us started on Tiaamii, her middle name,…)

Evan: Don’t go ballistic: Evan is a great name…for a boy. We know many wonderful Evans. But in this case, Napoleon Dynamite star Jon Heder bestowed it on his baby girl. Sorry, it’s so not unisex.

Superman: No explanation necessary for why this New Zealand name made the list, but how about the story behind it? The parents’ first choice was 4Real (as in, “when we saw him on the ultrasound, we realized he was for real”), but government officials didn’t go for it. Mom and dad settled on Superman but insist they’ll still refer to him as 4Real. Way to get the last word in.

Photo: The Nest Baby

© 2008 The Knot Inc. All rights reserved.

I am losing my mind. Really.

About a month ago – before we moved – I ordered a few things from OldNavy.com. They came in the mail, and 2 of the 3 shirts I ordered, didn’t fit. So after learning the lesson ‘maternity shirts that button up the middle don’t fit me correctly’ the hard way – I decided I’d just send them back. I’ve really never had any trouble returning anything to Old Navy.

So we moved. And the one shirt that fit – which I’ve now worn twice – is in my closet. And the bag with the rest of the clothes (including 2 things for Bump) - is missing. And it is consuming me.

I thought about it for the first time a few days ago. And went and looked around in the room in which I assumed it would be. No luck. So when I had more time, I took a good look around the house and checked my car. Nothing. Since then I have searched our house – more than once, bothered Jeff about it enough that he got up in the attic to check boxes of Christmas decorations and old yearbooks, asked Becky TWICE to check her apartment and car, rechecked every car WE own – multiple times, and I’m looking places it couldn’t possibly be – like under the sink in the bathroom and in my file cabinet at work – just in case. 

It’s all I can think about. I even went on my OldNavy.com account today to make sure I didn’t dream the whole damn thing. Sure enough. The order exists.

Help.

I just got back from the vending machine. And I’m not happy.

We haven’t had a vending machine for several weeks because of a new contract with Frito-Lay (a client of the agency) and something about conflict of interest, yada yada. I don’t care as long as Frito-Lay is friends with Masterfoods (makers of delicious Peanut M&Ms). Which they are. Whew.

So we’ve been without a vending machine. I finally wrote a note to our building manager this week and asked him about the return of the vending machine. I kinda threatened him with the wrath of a hungry pregnant lady and he promised that the vending machine would be back by the end of the week. Yeah right.

But sure enough – Angela just came by to tell me that it’s back! So I dig out some change and brave the freezing cold of the breezeway to get some Peanut M&Ms. I discover that not only have the Peanut M&Ms moved from E4 to E6, but they now cost 60 cents! Whatever. I put in my 60 cents, and…

I don’t know how well you can tell from the picture – but the M&Ms are perched on the edge. Taunting me. So I huff back to my desk to get 60 MORE cents and come back to the machine. And…

Note the first package of M&Ms in the bottom of the machine. And the second package still stuck.

So I just finished my $1.20 package of M&Ms and wrote a nasty email to the building manager about the “new” machine. I have waited for weeks to have the option to buy Peanut M&Ms at 3:00 in the afternoon. Injustice. That’s what this is.

This past Saturday was Washer Delivery #4 from Lowe’s, God love ‘em. Number. Four.

Several weeks ago, we decided to take a trip to Lowe’s and take advantage of their first purchase financing yada yada 10% off no interest deal. We talked to a nice man named Don and picked out a washer and dryer for the new house. Easy, right? We went back last week and bought the things and arranged to have them delivered Saturday (23 February). Saturday comes and I bravely stay at the house long enough to sign for the new washer and dryer before I go to the doctor for drugs to kill the flu. The Lowe’s truck comes and brings our shiny new washer and dryer (Delivery #1). But there’s a rather large ding in the front of the washer. Dang. The delivery guy says they’ll either discount the dinged washer or we can get a new one delivered. We opt for the new one.

So about an hour later– same two guys show up with a new washer (Delivery #2). Yah! New Washer and dryer! I spend the rest of the day in (Becky’s) bed with the flu, while Jeff/Logan/Becky move our stuff into the new house. Sunday night we decide to try out the new washer. We load it up, push start and it’s not long before our TV watching is interrupted by the most God-awful noise you ever heard. Coming from the new washer. I have since taken to referring to this noise as “The Wolverine” — but that night it was quite alarming to hear metal-on-metal-grinding/shredding-that-could-wake-the-dead coming from our beautiful new washer. I know there are a few of you out there thinking, “it was probably just the washer settling” or “maybe it was off-balance”. I’m here to tell you – this washer was possessed. So I drained it, left the soaking wet clothes in there to deal with later — and decided to call Lowe’s in the morning. 

So Monday morning, I talk to Don at Lowe’s. We arrange Delivery #3 for later that day. And as luck would have it, the only other washer they have like ours – is the original washer from Delivery #1 – ding and all. So we agree that while they order us a new one, we’ll take the dinged one. So they send a nice lady out to “take a look” at the possessed washer. They clearly didn’t believe me that it was making a seriously unpleasant noise. So Monday morning, she comes in and turns on the washer. It is making some clicking between Soak and Wash or whatever — and she gives me a look as if to say, “that’s the noise you complained about?” I assure her that she’ll know when she hears this noise. The washer keeps filling with water – gentle, normal noises coming from inside. I start to get nervous that I’ve cried wolf. Then, without warning, “The Wolverine” appeared. Slashing gnashing shredding – the whole scene. She quickly lifts the lid to stop the noise and then, embarrassed, looks at me and mouths “somethin’s not right”. You don’t say.

So she hauls The Wolverine away, installs the dinged washer and promises to call when they get a new one ordered. I decide not to hold my breath for this.

Lo and behold, Don calls Thursday (28 February) with news of impending Delivery #4. We’ve since washed a few loads in the dinged washer and it seems to be functioning without problems. We arrange Delivery #4 for this past Saturday. Everything goes off without a hitch – except that we had to lend the delivery/installation guy some tools because he didn’t bring any… – and we now have the washer for which we originally paid. Yah! The only problem now is that we are pretty sure we left the plastic measuring cap for the laundry soap in the washer that got hauled away Saturday so we are now “free pouring” our Tide. But so far, so good — 4th time’s the charm!

Now. You may be under the impression that I blame this on Lowe’s. You’d be wrong. In reality, I have nothing but great things to say about their customer service and willingness to right the wrong. In case you are wondering, the Washer/Dryer are GE which – to my knowledge – is not owned/manufactured by Lowe’s. I’m also pretty sure that this was my first Lowe’s purchase - ever – and I will definitely be going back. Our new friend Don has single-handedly earned our home improvement business.

In other washer news (yes, there’s more) -  

Whoever lived in the house before we did – had a washer that they obviously didn’t want to take with them. So it was loitering in the garage – taking up space where my car should go. I talked to the new landlady about this and she agreed to get it out of there. So a few weeks ago - while Becky and I were at the house getting some stuff done – New Landlady comes over and she and her husband drag the old washer across the driveway and perch it on the curb with a sign reading, “FREE”. She explains this to me like she does it everyday, “they” will come by and get it, no problem. I thought this was a strange way to get rid of things – but I didn’t argue with her. And I tell Jeff the situation. And he acts like this is the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to him. He cannot believe that I agreed to let someone put appliances in our front yard! I patiently explain to him that she didn’t so much ask me as tell me that’s what she was going to do. And there was nothing to be done. So we had a washer in our front yard. 

A few days go by and Jeff continues to steam about the washer in the front yard and how tacky it looks. I agree, of course, but am at a loss. Do I stand up to New Landlady and tell her we refuse to have her garbage in our front yard? Or do I hope and pray that someone desperate-for-a-washer-that-may-or-may-not-work comes along and snatches it out of our yard? I didn’t have to wait long for a resolution.

Someone reported us! How embarrassing! I don’t know if you can tell from the photo of the neon orange “NOTICE” but the box marked “Junk/Debris” is checked. This incident happened to coincide with Delivery #1/#2 (see above) of our new washer so I politely asked the Lowe’s guys to haul the eyesore from the lawn. Now we are the trashy redneck new neighbors who don’t know how to dispose of our own trash… great. And Jeff gets to gloat, vindicated, that he knew the washer-on-the-front-lawn plan was a bad idea from the start. I hate that.