So I'm back to Jazzercise - with a vengeance. Some of you are laughing right now - and there are those of you who scoff at Jazz. I am here to tell you that it is not for the faint of heart. I have gone to 5 classes in the last 6 days -- 1 of them being a new "Personal Touch" class that I will be referring to as Jazz Boot Camp. It's a 6-week class I've joined, in addition to my regular classes, that focuses on weight/strength training and toning-- no aerobics. Basically, my body has been in constant pain since my first class Wednesday night. Mostly my muscles are in shock, and probably confused that after 24 years of being ignored - they are suddenly called-upon to do their jobs. The first week of boot camp involved weighing and measuring -- stuff that regular Jazz does not bother you about. It's serious. Stay tuned.

Amanda and Bob Saget both played a role in the plans I now have for the weekend. Last week, I mused about getting to watch an AFV marathon and Amanda made the comment that my reminiscing sounded like it belonged in a Readers Theatre. It got me thinking that I wouldn't mind watching some RT and I emailed my high school drama coach with, "I know the tournament season is nearly over, but if there are any NWA tourneys left in the semester - let me know!" So a whole 5 minutes went by before she sent back a note saying, "OH MY GOD SARAH! We have FS Southside this weekend - are you available to judge?!" So... now I'm scheduled to report at the Coaches' Lounge at 8:00am Saturday. I'm pretty excited - and I was telling Jeff about it last night. He was asking me about the tournaments themselves, how they're structured, yada yada. I was telling him about it, lulling him to sleep, and he likened us to the weird kids who play Dungeons and Dragons! He called me a nerd! He's pretty dead-on, actually, so I didn't fight it too hard... Either way, I'm sure I'll have some good Drama Kid stories after my blast-from-the-past Saturday adventure tomorrow.

Mom: "The Chair" was on the radio this morning on the way to work!

A little over a year ago – at my first SSX company meeting – senior leadership led a short exercise that means more to me now than it ever could have then. They asked us to assign ourselves “one-word equity”. This is harder than it sounds. Let me back up and give you the context in which we use the word “equity” around here.

Equity is a somewhat all-encompassing idea of identity. Every brand, every product – has equity. It includes any logos, colors, fonts, images, styles, etc. For example – John Deere green. It’s not just green. It’s John Deere green – and everyone knows what color that is. Every brand I work with has a feel, or style. Work that we do feels like Pampers, or it doesn’t. Brands are very deliberate about colors, images and tone that they use in advertising. On my team, I have writers and designers who “know the equity” of my brands – they’re familiar with them, they recognize when something is “off equity”.  

So the task: assign yourself one-word equity. Is the word you give yourself different from the word your friends and family would propose? Probably. The idea is to be deliberate in the way you present yourself – that your equity should be protected as a brand protects its assets.

I have thought about this a little lately. Should your personal equity change over time? Or should it be more consistent? Should you represent something you are – or what you aspire to be?

Thoughts?

(I can hear the heckling now – as this is not my usual dramatic rant. Be kind.)

You may not be able to tell from some of my ramblings – but I like for things to make sense. I have several things to share and cannot make them into one coherent entry. The only thing that makes sense is to make a list (Yah! I LOVE lists!).

• A few “firsts” last week. One, my first business trip—which sounds very important and grown-up. When in actuality, it would bore the life out of 99% of you. I went on a market research trip to the Lexington, KY area. We were testing several in-store executions in the incredibly exciting bath tissue aisle! No really, Charmin is having a big year – launching two new products this fall – some of which may already be in your local store. I got to be part of a group of 10 people – mostly from P&G in Cincinnati. It was really good to get out of Wal-Mart country and get a more unbiased look at the way people interact with the store and that particular aisle. It’s really hard to get a good read on that in NWA. Because of “My First Business Trip” (which I have unwittingly made into a children’s book proposal…) I stayed in a hotel room by myself for the first time—and decided that I don’t like it.
• Another first this week – my first prop plane ride. I flew through Memphis to Lexington - and apparently there are very few people who desire to fly between Memphis and Lexington as we flew on a plane the size of my kitchen on the way there. I wasn’t that worried until we got up in the air. The noise and the vibrations – awful. Same deal on the way home – except that the kid (and I do mean kid) who was at the gate, seemed to be struggling. Another guy came by and they commenced arguing about the weight limit of the plane – and did it have enough fuel – etc. – NOT an argument I’d like to witness before I board said plane. So they solicited volunteers to wait and take later flights – because the plane was overweight. Great. We boarded the flight – and there’s no one in the back row. There are 10 rows on the plane – I’m in the 8^th row – the flight attendant comes back and explains to a man behind me in the 9^th row that he can move to the back row as soon as we are in the air – that his weight will negatively affect the plane and he should stay in the 9^th row during take-off. Woah! One man’s weight moving one row is going to “negatively affect” the plane?! I’ve never in my life felt the need to pay attention during the Emergency Exit shpeel.  At one point during the flight – the 9^th row man had moved to the center seat in the back row to stretch his legs and the ride was getting a little bumpy – he moved back up to the 9^th row as those of us in the back of the plane laughed at the nonsense of it all – but the plane stabilized!
• As I spent the night in my larger-than-necessary hotel room Thursday night, I watched a seemingly all-night marathon of America’s Funniest Home Videos. People say that humans harbor strong emotions and memories connected to sounds and aromas. I have never really believed in this. But as I flipped through channels Thursday night and stumbled upon “We got laughs from coast to coast to make you smile, A real life look at each of you to capture all your style. You're the red, white and blue, the funny things you do, America America this is you.” An overwhelming wave of nostalgia swept over me. I was launched back 15 years and found myself sitting on the floor of our living room, eating pizza off of a TV tray on a Sunday night watching Bob Saget host my family’s favorite TV show. It was the only night of the week we ate in front of the TV. We lived for that show. And last week, it was a marathon of the Bob Saget episodes – the best host they’ve had. It’s like James Bond – everyone has a favorite. That show makes me laugh out loud and I love that when I watch it – I know which videos my family would like and I can hear them laughing.  “Stories from your friends next door they never told, you might be a star tonight so let that camera roll, you're the red, white and blue, all the funny things you do, America America, this is you…”
• I made my return to Jazzercise this weekend – after not attending for 3 weeks. Which is not really news, except that I have new Jazz shoes – I’ll have to take a picture for you – they’re cute, as shoes go. So there’s this lady in my class who I am convinced is campaigning for some non-existent Miss Jazzercise title. It is out of control. 95% of the people in my class are normal, unassuming people who just want to get some exercise. Not her! She struts in dressed like Work-Out Barbie and dances to the Jazzercise in her head – it’s all I can do not to get whacked by her high-stepping all over the place!
• Jury duty tomorrow. Not such great timing – work is ramping up and Susan will be out all next week for Spring Break. Would be really inconvenient – but we’ll see.

So lately I've been pondering the "buy now, pay later" society in which we live. It's been my observation that merchants make it harder and harder to pay with cash -- "everyone" prefers plastic. There are television commercials that paint a picture of convenience with “Pay Pass” and I’m sure everyone knows the commercial that features a busy cafeteria – everyone passing through the line in an intricate pattern – zipping their cards through the reader to pay – and then the poor sap with Cash brings the whole operation to a halt – shame on him for paying with actual money!

I’m all about convenience, and I really don’t have any problem with credit cards – but it’s an interesting situation. This morning on Today there was a segment on Credit Card Companies and how they are taking advantage of Joe Consumer with their high rates and fees, yada yada. Apparently, a few of the big dog companies are getting a hand slap from Congress based on claims they make it nearly impossible for the average American to pay off his credit card bill.

Are you kidding me?

Credit Card companies exist essentially so that Americans (who have no financial discipline or self-control) can spend money they don’t have to buy things they don’t need for which they don’t plan to immediately pay. [This is not why all people use credit cards – but this is how they make money.] They publish and provide lots and lots of rules stating the rates, fees, etc. What happens if you don’t pay – what happens if you pay late – what happens if your balance is $xx.xx – what happens if the sun doesn’t come up tomorrow….

Today interviewed poor Joe Consumer on the show this morning. He’s paid his bill every month for however long and then made a late payment – his rate went from 10% to 30% and he had to pay a fee. So… he knew the rules, broke the rules, and is now whining on national TV about having to follow the rules.

I don’t personally have any credit cards. If I don’t have money for something – I don’t buy it. This is a direct result of my learning the rules the hard way… Despite my not buying anything on credit for over 3 years now – with the exception of my car (and my college education) – I have been paying at least one credit card bill since then. No one knows “the rules” better than me.

I am not pooh-poohing buying on credit. I recognize that credit allows people to afford things like homes and vehicles and college tuition. Buy on credit all you want! There are cards out there with ‘cash back’ options – which I think is genius. There are cards that give rewards – go for it. But read the rules! Don’t be so ridiculous as to think you can use someone else’s money for free – for as long as you feel like using it.

Note: I get to start drinking Diet Coke again later today. Maybe that will calm the wild beast in me that is causing outbursts about credit cards.

I regret that I am not a storyteller of the caliber that will truly do justice to this story. No matter how I try to recreate this – please keep in mind – it was better.

So a few weeks ago, Nancy called with a job opportunity. “Debbie” is having a dinner party for about 50 people and would like some help serving food. Easy enough. I call Debbie that night to get the details. We set up a meeting that week, so that I can find her house and we can go over how everything will work that night. Before I met her – and only had her voice as inspiration – I pictured her looking like Carmela Soprano.

When I originally talked to Nancy on the phone about the party, she said Debbie insisted that the dinner party was a “celebration”. So we tried to figure out what the celebration was and looked on every calendar we could find to see what “celebration” would be going on. The only thing we could find was the fact that there was a full moon that weekend. So, naturally, we decided that I was going to serve dinner to a party of witches. After speaking with Debbie myself, I found out that it was not a howl-at-the-moon party, but rather a Jewish holiday called Purim. Nancy and I looked up Purim on the internet and got really excited about my upcoming adventure. Go ahead. CLICK HERE. 

So that week, I go to Debbie’s house – and the fun began. I am greeted at the door by a woman with the reddest hair I have ever seen, standing no taller than 4’8” or so, and about as wide. She introduces herself as Dobi and immediately starts talking 90 miles an hour. I am looking around at her home and notice a few things. In the living room, where a typical house would have furniture like couches, a TV, coffee table, etc. there is a massive dining room table. This thing could seat 20 people. Tall, straight-backed chairs. No TV, no other furniture. (Now that I think about it, I didn’t see a TV in the whole house.) But immediately to my left as I walked in the house, in the corner where I assume a dining room table is intended to go – under the chandelier – is a couch and several tall bookcases. I glance over the books and see that 100% of the spines are written in Hebrew. I look through to the kitchen and it looks like she is cooking for 50 people! There are boiling pots on every burner, cutting boards covered in vegetables, mixing bowls everywhere. And it’s noon on a Wednesday…

So Dobi is telling me about the party and bustling about – and tells me that the actual party will be taking place “next door”. Ok. So she gets a key, leads me out the back door of her house, through her backyard and we arrive “next door”. Now, it’s not uncommon for people to have a pool house or a mother-in-law house out back of their home. These people have a synagogue! So we go in and it’s like a little apartment – full kitchen, bathroom, and the “Great room” that is set up with tables and chairs like a banquet hall. This is where the party will go down. She tells me she cooks every week for Saturday services and they eat and worship here. I learn later that it’s not a synagogue, but a Chabad. (I later find out from their website that theirs is one of only two Chabads in Arkansas.)  We run into Dobi’s husband Mendel – the Rabbi – who’s home for lunch and thanks me repeatedly for helping them with the Purim celebration. He has a full, long black beard and wears a tall black hat with a wide brim. (This is also what 90% of the men in the photos inside the house look like.)

So I get the lowdown from Dobi about the party and go back to work. The whole time I’m thinking, “Nobody is going to believe me.”

Fast forward to Sunday, March 4^th. I get to Dobi’s house at 3pm. The Purim celebration is scheduled to start at 4:30. Dobi greets me at the door and immediately starts talking and hurrying around. There are red-headed children running around speaking Hebrew, again the kitchen is ablaze with cooking—there are several women in there now, all helping with the cooking. After informing me that there are now over 70 reservations instead of 50, Dobi presents me with a large vat of pink smoothie-looking stuff she refers to as “ambrosia” and asks me to ladle it out into individual cups – 80 of them. So I sit at the massive dining room table and start dishing out ambrosia – and this gives me a chance to take in what is going on around me.

I feel like I have been dropped off in the middle of another world. From what I can gather, this celebration is a hybrid of Mardi Gras and Thanksgiving. Dobi appears to be cooking for an army, the kids are running around getting dressed in costumes that look like something I wore as a Wiseman in a Live Nativity at Christmas once, I see Dobi carrying around a basket of something I would soon learn are “groggers” (noisemakers like we use on New Year’s Eve - picture below), there is a girl in the corner wrapping gifts – everyone was busy. And here I am, English-speaking Protestant that I am – taking it all in. At least I have a good Hebrew name and it’s not totally out of the question that I belong there – in fact, later in the evening I would be cornered by a little old man who wanted to quiz me on my Hebrew grammar!

So the next 4 hours of my life was truly surreal. Most of what happened – happened in Hebrew – so I was completely lost as to the content of the celebration. (Dobi’s housekeepers – who were there to help me plate food and whatnot – spoke only Spanish…) There was drinking – I watched them open (several) bottles of wine, scotch, etc and pass the bottles around the room. There was a juggler! – He juggled fire and singed the carpet at some point which set off the smoke alarm for several minutes – this made the children and drunken Jews alike very whiny and fussy. And there was food for days – when Dobi was describing the menu to me she was having to actually describe each item as the words don’t translate into something that would mean anything to me. For example, try describing “hamburger” to someone without being able to use the word “hamburger”. It sounds silly. So the food was over my head. The Megillah was read – and accented by bouts of the groggers. Apparently the masquerade part of the celebration isn’t regulated so much – there were people in costumes ranging from princesses and clowns to wizards and Dr. Seuss – some people just had random sequins sewn to their clothes. People came from all over the country to attend this Purim celebration. They gave each other gifts, drank A LOT, ate a lot, sang songs – it was quite a party.

I left at 7 something – having had the single most “out-of-my-element” evening of my life. Dobi seemed very pleased with everything and asked if it was ok if she keeps my number and has me help her again. I can’t wait for her to call me.

I have a serious lack-of-Diet-Coke headache. I am cranky and thirsty.

lovemarks: loyalty beyond reason.

This is what I do. This is what Saatchi & Saatchi X strives to do as an agency-- turn "everyday" brands into lovemarks. "Lovemark" is an industry term for a brand or product that is so close to a consumer's heart and life that they feel they can't live without it. It becomes a part of their routine, a part of their daily life. They are inseparable.

Some examples of lovemarks: Google, Corvette, Red Bull, Chicago Cubs, Coca-Cola, IKEA, Jack Daniels, Starbucks -- it can be a person, a place, a brand -- anything to which people are loyal without documentable reason. You love it - but you love it so much it's hard for you to decide where to start explaining why you love it.

See?

So anyway, the ultimate goal of marketing is to create a lovemark out of our brand or product. People are more loyal to their bath tissue than you might think...

So this week, my boss, Steve, sent an email out to our Account Service team on HHN (Household Needs) asking us to name a lovemark in our lives that gets daily use. Not hard. So I fire back my email with an answer - only to get the response: "Beginning right now, I'm asking you to completely give up your Lovemark for one week." Noooo! My answer was Diet Coke!

Today was my first Diet Coke-less day in a long time. I went to lunch with Steve and Angela today, and I had to catch myself before I ordered one... It's going to be a long week.

About the 5th grade-level intelligence test - most of you failed. And by failed, I mean less than 100%. The answers are as follows:

1. October. Mom- didn't know about Native American Day. It is noted.

2. False. They live on opposite sides of the world.

3. 4 inches. The area of a triangle is 1/2 the base times the height. It does NOT matter whether it is isosceles, etc.

4. Andrew Johnson. "Impeach" does not mean "removed from office". i.e. Nixon was not impeached. He is the only US president to have resigned.

5. The Mayflower. If you answered Nina, Pinta or Santa Maria - I cry for you. 

6. Rapid Eye Movement. This is the only one of the six I consider to be above a 5th grade level.

Just for fun - here are a few more:

1. What is the largest South American country by area?

2. Inca civilizations were concentrated on what present-day continent?

3. A heptagon is a shape with how many sides?

4. Emma has 2 yardsticks. She also has a 12 inch ruler. She laid them end-to-end in a line. How many feet long is the line?

5. True or False. The earth's moon gives off its own light.

In other news, I'd like to extend congratulations to the Senior Advisor as he is the proud new parent of this lovely refrigerator.

Apparently, there are too many people who are not.

Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? premiered last night on FOX, hosted by Jeff Foxworthy. It is quite possibly the saddest thing I have ever seen. In a culture that includes Jeopardy! and Who wants to be a Millionaire?, I find it depressing that this show has made it to the air.

However, I've been told that I'm being too hard on these people. After asking around my office today, I have discovered that there may be a larger pool of possible contestants for this show than I could have dreamed...

So, I ask you the following questions. These are the questions from the show last night. I am giving each and every one of my readers the benefit of the doubt and assuming that you will know - without assistance of ANY kind - the answers to the questions. Please tell me if you think these are above or below the 5th grade level. Also - if there are any that you wouldn't know right off your head - feel free to admit that - we're all friends here.

1. In what month do we celebrate Columbus Day?

2. True or False? In the wild, polar bears feed on penguins.

3. If the area of a triangle is 16 square inches, and the base is 8 inches - what is the height of the triangle?

4. Who was the first US president to be impeached?

5. Name the ship the pilgrims sailed from Plymouth, England, to the Plymouth Colony in America in 1620.

6. Part of a person's sleep cycle is called the REM cycle. What does REM stand for?

FYI. Questions 1,2,3 and 4 were not answered correctly by a UCLA graduate (US History major). He had to "Drop out of school" and look into the camera and say, "I am not smarter than a 5th grader."

Question: During an apparent lull in my office today, one of my coworkers sent me this link. Milkgallon.com

This inevitably started a dialogue about whether or not it is possible to drink a gallon of milk in an hour. The guys were sharing puking stories and the girls were all squirming around.

I think I could do it. A gallon of milk over the course of an hour. Not chugging it all at once, just periodically throughout the hour. That doesn't sound that hard.

So everyone laughed when I announced that I think I could do this. They started showing me milk-puking pictures on the website and telling me about so-and-so who thought he could do it, yada yada. But as some of you may know, I have a seriously whacked digestive system.

Things I can (and do) eat - that make me think I could totally embarrass all these boys that are afraid to drink the milk: (just so you know, I didn't share these with the boys at work today)

• I regularly order a large popcorn (with extra butter) at the movie theater and eat it by myself. And I usually get the refill and eat that too.
• I can eat an entire plate of Outback layered cheese fries for dinner when so inclined - complete with bacon, Ranch dressing, extra Ranch dressing and a Wallaby Darn.
• My favorite thing about flying through DFW is the Haagen Dazs in Terminal C. They sell something called a Rocky Road Dazzler (which, not surprisingly, has made the blog before!). It is several heaping scoops of Rocky Road ice cream in a tall cup, layered with hot fudge sauce and Oreo cookie pieces, and topped with whipped cream and chocolate cookie pieces. It is heaven. And again, I don't need help with this.
• It is not out of the question for me to eat two Sonic Frito Burritos in one day - one for lunch and one for supper.
• I have literally never tasted anything I would consider "too rich". The sweeter, richer, chocolatey-er, peanut buttery-er the better. Seriously.

So, I'd like your thoughts. Do you support my attempt at the Gallon of Milk Challenge?

So I go to Bank of America this morning to deposit a check in Jeff's account. The check is made out to me.

Side Note: The check is an expense reimbursement from Saatchi for about $100 I put on the credit card 2 weeks ago when I had to drive to Bentonville FedEx at 8pm in the pouring rain to send art out for one of my jobs and missed book club. I didn't blog about it - though it was a damn good rant - because it was too traumatic.

So, I go to the Bank of America on Dickson. I have a pre-printed deposit slip from Jeff's account, the check endorsed by both of us, and my Drivers' License - which clearly indicates that we have the same name and identical home addresses. However, the girl in the drive-thru comes over the speaker - after several minutes of what I can only assume was heated deliberation with the "manager" - to tell me that Bank of America has a strict policy against accepting 3rd party checks and that I am not able to deposit it.

Now. I appreciate rules. I have even, on occasion, been accused of do-gooding. But I do not respect rules that have no reasonable support. This rule, I dare say, is stupid. I am not a money launderer. I am depositing a check for $100. From a company (as opposed to an individual). In Northwest Arkansas. This is not a counterfeit $1,000,000 bill we're dealing with...

I politely informed the drive-thru girl that the name on the account belongs to my husband, that we have the same name, have both endorsed the check, and I have provided ID. She gets huffy that I have pointed out the asininity of the "policy" and calls over the "manager" who appears to be no older than 17. He repeats what she has already told me - which is still not an explanation. They send back my check, deposit slip, and ID - and I am on my way.

You may think this is the end of the story.

Determined to outsmart this ridiculous "rule", I drive to the next Bank of America location on my way to work. I pull into the drive-thru and politely ask the nice young man at the window for a deposit slip - as the last girl put a big mean red X through the last one. I fill it out, provide the exact same documentation and information as to the Dickson Street location. In less than 30 seconds, I have a piece of paper stating the transaction has been confirmed.

Was that so hard?

While looking in my files for some pictures I took in-store last fall, I came across some taken at home last November-ish and laughed so hard I thought you might like them, too. This is the day I killed the waffle-iron. I can hardly believe these didn't make the blog before now.

Link to Ads aired during the Academy Awards. MUCH better than Super Bowl Ads this year!